This week, we are getting a visit from the in-laws. Well, the quasi-in-laws. I'll explain. As some of you may know from HalfMama, my mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. I won't even try to explain how sad this is for all of us, even now, and I will move on to the point of my post. (And this is where you Kimchi Mamas come in.)
My FIL, harabuji, is coming to visit with his "lady friend" of about 2 years, let's call her Yoko. (I know this is linguistically/culturally inaccurate, but the name fits her on a pop-culture level.) One afternoon, after harabuji began dating Yoko, he phoned me at my office. I could count on one hand how many times my FIL called me at my office, and always it had to do with my MIL's medical issues, so I feared for the worst. After hemming and hawing for about 20 minutes, he finally told me that he was calling to say that "something happened to him" and that he had "fallen in love." He was calling to ask me to help him tell his children. While honored, not to mention astounded that I had the inside track on some juicy family gossip, I felt uncomfortable with this assignment and did not know what to do. (Was this a Korean thing? Just a My Family thing?) That evening, I sat the Huz down on the couch and spilled the Mung beans. He took it like a champ, and told his sisters, with all of them stepping up nobly to the plate to express their happiness to their father.
This is the second time that Yoko and Harabuji have come to visit us, and this time they are staying in a B&B near our house, as opposed to in our house as they did last time. (Can you say awkward moments?) Before their arrival last time, I asked the Huz, as well as my FIL, what my son should call Yoko. I did not want my boy to appear disrespectful and I was unfamiliar with the mores of this particular situation vis a vis Korean culture. FIL told me it would be okay for him to call her by her first name. I even asked Yoko herself, and she said it was okay to use the first name. During the visit, however, when Huz and I were not around, harabuji asked my son to call Yoko halmuni. (As he had previously done with Buddy & Bean.) Later that week, I told Huz that harabuji wants the kids to call Yoko halmuni. He looked sternly in the mirror while adjusting his tie and said, "That's not going to happen." So we went right on our merry way, calling her by her first name.
Now they are returning, and both boys can talk, so we will have to revisit the issue, I'm afraid, with The Caboose. Huz, HalfMama, and I are all very uncomfortable with calling this woman Halmuni. She is not Halmuni. Halmuni was the Huz's mother, and we show the boys her picture all the time and call her Halmuni. This other lady, while sweet to my children, is not their Halmuni in our eyes. So here's my question to you, Kimchi Mamas:
Is it widely accepted, in Korean culture, to call an older woman Halmuni, regardless of whether she is your grandmother? Is there some other term of respect that my children can use that would be appropriate? In my world, Grandma is reserved only for Grandmas. Is Halmuni the same?
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty
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11 comments:
Perhaps, your kids could call Yoko some English variation of Grandma or some other version of grandma in Korean? I know this is different, but for Vietnamese, any older woman can be grandma and the several words we have for grandmother are more a sign of respect for a woman's age and position than a true designation of her actual familial relationship. As a confucian culture, I'm almost certain Korean culture has something similar...maybe Halmuni Yoko?
Actually, my dad called me himself about 'something happening to him' and I was psyched for him. I was actually wondering when it was going to happen. Yes, I was expecting it. After seeing him so depressed after my mom died, it was nice to see him so happy again.
HOWEVER.
I won't call Yoko Halmoni. In all fairness, I haven't spoken to my dad about it but I think if I flat out told him I did not want B&B to call her halmoni and why, he would understand. We went to visit them and we all called her by her first name and he didn't say anything.
Quite honestly, I don't think Yoko would be comfortable with the kids calling her Halmuni. I know that she never wants us to feel like she is trying to replace my mom.
But yes, I am curious to know if Halmuni is the same as calling an older woman Ajumma or if my dad was trying to push something on us.
Just a quickie before our nightly walk - yes, halmoni is a universal term for "old lady" or "grandmother"... in Korea, you'd not address any older lady by their first names (just like ajumma, HM). However, a nickname before the halmoni helps make it less relation-like... my great-grandfather's Chinese brothel madame was kkoma-halmoni (she was really little)... whereas if she were halmoni as in grandmother, we wouldn't be allowed to put a nickname in front.... so maybe "Yoko" halmoni would be respectful enough but it wouldn't indicate familial tie. Sorry it's a rushed response, LN needs her walkRIGHT NOW.
I wasn't going to comment, but ... Chinese brothel madame?? Okay, MN, you gotta come back and explain that one!
Carol - ha ha, I guess I kinda slipped it in there. My mom comes from a family with lots of secrets (some more widely known than others)... her grandfather was a bit of a traveler and during the Chinese Revolution when they were closing brothels and burning books, he rushed up to China to save his.. ahem... favorite brothel madame. We grew up knowing her as our Chinese grandmother, called her kkoma halmoni - she was the most ancient person we knew, she chain smoked, and she was one hell of a bitch. But. She was to be part of the family because that's how my great-grandfather had left things.
And then there're my half-aunts from a seed-bearer... I met one of them once, she was nice. Now, if my mom were to write a memoir... or even my grandmother... holy shit.
FingKASIL: Sorry to be hijacking your post but...
What Carol said: CHINESE BROTHEL MADAME?
Yes, need book written please.
As for calling Yoko Halmuni... I definitely would not do it if I thought it was rude, but Yoko herself is very Americanized and has lived here since she was a young teen. When we asked her directly what she wanted the kids to call her, she said, 'Yoko.'
I don't want to sound defensive, and I totally understand what MN is saying because I actually do call others eemoh-halmuni, etc. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't at all mind my dad's relationship with her, but that is the only place I draw the line. If she or my Dad told me we were being rude, then I might reconsider. Since they haven't though, I won't.
Yoko is a widow also... I never thought of this but I wonder what her grandkids call my dad?
how about having b & b call Yoki..."grannie" or "nanna" ? so in case calling Yoko by her first name is disrespectful..grannie or nanna is kinda a american version but it's close to grandma...in a different sort of way
How about "Grand Yoko". It is respectful and very flattering. My 94 year old MIL is called halmoni. My stylin, glamous 70 year old mom is called "Grand _____".
The kids thought it up as they started to talk.
Have you ever talked to your FIL about how you all feel? Seems like you are very happy that he has found someone, but don't want to replace your mom's halmoni role just because she passed away.
Alice
I can understand your discomfort with the title halmoni. My FIL died a couple of years ago and my MIL has *no interest* in dating, but if she did, I think it would feel strange to call her companion harabuji. That said, we do call the great-aunts and uncles halmoni/ harabuji.
so - i am late - AND have no clue re: korean culture - but i don't like the idea of giving the "grandma"-title to someone who is NOT a GRAND MOM or MOM of MOM. i guess if i though the first name wasn't cutting it, would go with the grandyoko or greatyoko. it just seems weird to call someone nana, papa, noni, nonno, grandma, grandpa, etc. if they were unrelated and/or if someone else had already had that name...
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