Turtle Droppings

I had a mysterious message on my cell phone yesterday. The Caboose's preschool teacher left a voice mail saying that one of her "friends" bit the Caboose on the back because he wanted to look at her book. She kept saying, "my friend" bit the Caboose, "my friend" didn't want to share the book, etc. At first, I thought there was some grown-up pal of hers hanging out at school biting toddlers. And while the Caboose is about as delicious as they come, I do believe one should show some self-restraint when it comes to actually sampling the goods. When I phoned her back, she explained that it was another Turtle that bit him, but she can't tell me who, so she calls this person "my friend." What gives? I mean, they're right. If she told me who it was, I would no doubt judge this child mercilessly and harbor secret resentment toward her parents. (I was able to ascertain that it was a girl Turtle.) But goddamit, I want to know who bit my kid!

In other news, I am starting to get the feeling that one of you loyal readers is also the parent to a fellow Alligator at the preschool. If you are, please give me the secret handshake or something so we "come out" to each other. Why do I say this? Well, this morning we all approached the school together, me with my two and you with your adorable Hapa son. Mr. Blog Reader said, "So Booper was out sick on picture day, huh?" Now either he is an incredibly observant parent who somehow noticed that my son was not in the class photo, nor did he receive any individual pictures, or he HAS BEEN READING MY BLOG! If it's the latter, come out come out whereever you are.

Can you stand it?

Caboose's first official school photo. Sadly, The Boop was out sick this day so we don't have one for him this year.

I found this amusing.

Diversidad

While reading some of my favorite Mommy Blogs, I notice that a lot of families out there are bumping up against racial intolerance, ignorance, and idiocy, especially when it comes to their Hapa children. I have experienced this also, but only when we travel outside our blissful liberal bubble. In our day-to-day lives, we remain largely untouched by this pervasive problem. In fact, one of the great pleasures of living in the city by the Bay is that we don't have to deal with this AT ALL. My hetero-normative nuclear family is downright Republican by SF standards, and we raise nary an eyebrow. If people notice anything it's that I am taller than my husband. If you really want to shake people up, trying messing with the "rules" that the man has to be taller and older. (One year, I wanted to go to a Halloween party dressed as Angelina Jolie and Maddox, but the Handyman wasn't into it. Killjoy.)


To back up my stance, I did an informal poll this morning at preschool. In Booper's class, of 22 kids--many of whom are there only parttime--there are 8 biracial (mostly Hapa) kids and 4 kids of color. There may be more mixed-race kids that are not immediately obvious to me. In the Caboose's class of 12, he has 4 Hapa kids, a special needs boy, and 3 children of color. Caboose's teachers are Persian, Ukrainian, Korean, and Mexican, some immigrants, some children of immigrants, some adopted from their homeland. Booper's teachers are Brazilian and White. BTW, this is the only white teacher at the school. The school boasts a map of the world on one wall, with photos affixed to the home countries of all the teachers and staff, including the above plus Peru and Guatemala.

I love this about San Francisco. What I also love about the City by the Bay is the other types of diversity. One example involves this guy:




This is Woody. He works the counter at Orphan Andy's in the Castro. He makes the city's best chocolate milkshake. And one of the boys' favorite things to do is ride the vintage F Line (see above, an example of a vintage train from Milan, Italy) to his little cafe and order one of these delicious cups of creamy goodness. Woody is what you might call "a colorful character." He always wears a kilt. He frequently wears a studded black leather belt that says "Nudist." (It tickles me no end that he wears an article of clothing that reads "nudist." That's like carrying a gun that reads "pacifist.") And he usually has a T-shirt on that makes me glad my kids can't read. This past Saturday, his shirt read, "Girlie Man." He also is incredibly friendly and loves kids. He takes the time to answer all of Booper's questions about "Why do you have an earring in your nose?" "Did it hurt when they put it in?" "Why are you wearing a skirt?" and "How do you make this milkshake taste so good?" We look forward to visiting Woody and he is part of the fabric of life here.


But this last can prove thorny when dealing with preschoolers, who like things to be concrete. There is a boy in Booper's class who has two Mommies. Because all the kids quickly become attuned to who is whose Mommy/Daddy, this family set-up did not go unnoticed. In connection with that, there has been a lot of talk at school lately about marriage. One of the girls in Booper's class says she is going to "marry him." She says Booper is her "prince." (So I think we know where she is getting this from, thank you Walt Disney.) Booper asks a lot of questions--about everything--and has asked me many times if he can marry me. I tell him, "You can't marry me because I am your Mommy. Plus, I'm already married to Daddy." He will answer, "Will you and Daddy help me find a [FingKASIL] to marry?" "Don't worry, you will find someone wonderful to marry when you are grown up, and if you would like our help we will be happy to help you." He asks if, when he is married, he can still live with us. He also asks if he can marry The Caboose, figuring this would keep things simple since then they could just keep living in our house and we would all stay together. But I told him that brothers can't get married, either.


So putting all this together, the other night Booper asked, "Mommy, can two boys get married?"


Deep breath, and here we go. "Yes, but it depends where they live. In some places, it's okay for two boys to get married, and in some places it isn't."


"Can two boys get married in Africa?"


"No, they can't."

Why?"

"I don't know. But in Africa, it's against the rules. In some places, like Hawaii, two men can get married if they want to."

"I love Hawaii."

"Me, too."

So while we may have had that go-round wrapped up in a tight little bow, I know there is more to come. I feel like I want to be honest with the boys about the world. I want them to be open to people and not judge the way others live their lives, especially not based on the way they look. This is a complicated world, and I want to help them navigate the complexities and appreciate the textures. But when is the right time to start, without confusing them?

Great Moments in Parenting

Booper bounced back incredibly today, after spiking a 105 degree fever yesterday and subsequently being diagnosed with pneumonia. (Don't get me started.) Through the miracle of modern anti-biotics, he was feeling back to his old self today, albeit a little fatigued from fighting this nasty bug. So we decided to go out for dinner to our favorite sushi place, Blue Fin Sushi on Clement St. http://bluefinsushisf.com/

For reasons that remain a mystery to me, The Boop kept talking REALLY LOUDLY throughout the meal. I kept having to remind him to use his "inside voice" and take it down a decibel or three. Granted, it was kind of noisy in there in the first place, but his voice really travels. Mostly, I think he was just excited to be out of the house after being cooped up indoors since Wednesday, unable to raise the energy to even play Chutes & Ladders.

After dinner, Boop needed to go to the potty. (One of the unfortunate side-effects of the antibiotics is frequent poops), so I escorted him to the John and back, with the Caboose in tow. (He wouldn't want to miss anything important.) Once we returned to the table, Booper announced, "Daddy. I just went to the potty. AND I HAD A BIG DIARRHEA."

Hey buddy, I don't think they heard you on the East Coast.

Super.

Needless to say, we paid our bill and slithered out the door.

Day of Atonement--Please G-d, if I say sorry will you let the Yankees win the World Series?

It's that time of year again: Yom Kippur. The Day of Atonement. While this holiday is kind of confusing for kids (who rarely do much worth atoning for) it is kind of cool for adults. The deal, historically, is that everyone in the village gets together and publicly apologizes for all their transgressions during the previous year. As a group, we read aloud a list of "sins," apologizing for everything, whether we did it or not. In this way, we provide for each other a veil of secrecy because only we know which mistake actually applies personally to us. (i.e. "I apologized out loud for cheating on my taxes, which I didn't do, but I also got to apologize outloud for coveting my neighbors buttery suede purse, which I did."

In the olden days, the service was followed by a tradition of personally approaching each individual we had wronged, confessing our error, and offering a sincere apology. If done during the Yom Kippur holiday, the wronged person was obligated to accept the apology regardless.

Of course, like any human being, I am secretly hoping to get something in return for all this soul-baring torment. And this year, I am hoping G-d will see fit to let my Yankees win the World Series. They are making a run at their division right now, and I'm getting October baseball fever. To that end, I am paying tribute to the Chosen people who are currently active in the Major Leagues. Don't worry...it's a short list. While it would surprise no one to know that Jews have always had a prominent role in the management of sports, it may shock you to know that we also represent on the field.

Shawn Green: Currently on that great Jewish team, the NY Mets, Shawn started his career on the Dodgers (historically also strong for the Jews. Can you say Sandy Koufax?) According to a friend, he started a near riot in the synagogue circles of LA as they all competed actively for his membership when he first moved to town. Plus, he's hot! He posted 3 100-RBI seasons in the past, though this year he is struggling with injuries and not doing as well. Shandah, really.

Gabe Kapler & Kevin Youkilis: Two players for the Red Sox (puh puh puh.) Kapler has been around a while and is a solid player, but he spent the past year in a management role. He intends to return to active play next year. The life of a professional baseball player can be quite stressful. There's all the travel, the pressure to perform in a spotlight, your life constantly under a microscope, the invitations to Bar Mitzvahs. Youkilis is a rookie phenom at this time, so I am going to overlook the fact that he plays for Satan's team: The Bosox. He was involved in a mini-scandal in last week's game. The Yankee pitcher hit the firstbaseman with a pitch, and it was clear that this was unintentional. (He was in mid-swing when the ball hit his wrist.) The next time the Yankee firstbaseman came up to bat, the Red Sox pitcher promptly retaliated by throwing the ball right at him. Evil. But de rigeur for the majors. If he hadn't done it, his team would never let him forget it.

There are a few more players, none of them prominent enough to mention. sigh.

Whether baseball loyalty is more often passed on via matrilineal (like traditional Jewish identity) or patrilineal (the Reform movement theory) descent is a question for more extensive research. Nevertheless, my father's loyalty was to the Brooklyn Dodgers. When they moved west, he was forced to choose another team. Reluctantly, he went with the Yankees, and my love of Yankee baseball was born.

The Yankees haven't had many Jewish players (one exception was Ron "Boomer" Blomberg, who is remembered most for his having the distinction of being the first designated hitter in baseball history), but that has been more than made up for in my own mind by the Yankees' wise decision to bring a certified-kosher hot-dog stand to the stadium, something only a few other teams have done. Also, New York has probably had more Jewish mayors than any other city (Mayor Bloomberg keeps a box next to the dugout, which he recently loaned to Spike Lee, Brad Pitt, and their offspring for thenight.) Plus, I'll bet my Loehmann's membership points that their accountant is an MOT.

So during this most important of Jewish holidays--the holiest of the holy--please join me in atoning sincerely for any transgressions during the year. (Trust me, it feels good.) And while you are in touch with your own personal diety, would you mind asking her/him/it/them to give the Yankees a little extra push this year? If sports personality post-game interviews are any indication, it seems She/He/It/They is the one who deserves the credit anyway. But that's another post....

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3

Question of the Day

I linked over to KimChi Mamas today for OpenThread Thursday. Here is the question: "Would you send your child to a different-faith school? Would you be okay with your kid learning about a religion very different from your own? I went to an Anglican school, and while my religion, Roman Catholicism, belongs in the same category (i.e. both Christian), there were plenty of non-Christian students there too. But my Jewish boyfriend found it interesting/shocking that parents would do that. What would you do?"

Here is my initial comment in response: "I confess openly to a double-standard on this one. I would not send my children to a non-Jewish parochial school, but I have no problem with non-Jewish kids attending the local Hillel house. As complicated and anxiety-provoking as the elementary school situation is in our city, I could not get down with a parochial school if it's not a Jewish school. I am just too uncomfortable with the idea that they might come home and want to talk about the Big JC, and what "he would do."

Now that I am considering it more deeply, I think I am much more at home debunking orthodox Judaism than I am with criticizing any other religion. So if the grunion came home spouting off on why we don't keep kosher, I would feel very comfortable explaining the inherent contradictions and obsolete beliefs on which that ritual is based. But if they came home telling me about the Resurrection, I would feel less qualified, though more motivated, to give them my two cents.
I can offer no rational explanation of this stance. It fits right alongside the fact that I have been a devout vegetarian for 21 years, but I LOVE a pair of buttery suede shoes. (Or purse. I'm good with a suede purse, too.)"

Then another poster added this comment: "FingKASIL, what if this parochial school isn't really a parochial school? Many prep schools are historically Christian, and still require chapel attendance. Yet, they are not marketed as "parochial."

Also, would you allow your child(ren) to take a course on world religions that may require them to attend services of a variety of faiths?"

And that's when I started getting pissed off. Cynthia: I believe that any school that requires chapel attendance, is, by definition, a parochial school. To make a determination about whether to enroll my children, I would have to attend a service. If the service was based in Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc., I feel it might be confusing for my children and discordant with the spiritual guidance they receive at home.

As for "allowing" them to take a World Religion class, even one requiring attendance at faith-based services, that is an easy one: Short of "Bombmaking 101" and "How to Hack Into Online Porn: A Seminar," I would support them in enrolling in any class about which they have a genuine interest. Should they elect to pursue one of these faiths because it rang true for them, they would have my total support. But that is a choice that *they* make, not one I make for them.

To me, this whole thing smacks of the kind of obliviousness that you typically see among dominant cultural groups, in this case Christians, but White Entitlement is the same animal. When you are comforably ensconced in the dominant cultural group, you accept your worldview as the "correct" world view or, worse, the only worldview. As if being Christian is the natural human state. And you arrogantly believe that everyone else should fall in line with these beliefs because that is "how we've always been." So when one says that a school , founded on Christian religious tenets, that requires chapel attendance, is not a parochial school, I am flummoxed. What if I opened a school and called it Joe's Secular Elementary School? I "marketed" it as an independent private school, but required all the students to attend synagogue daily, would this not be a parochial school? Does the same standard not apply when we're talking about a Christian School?

This reminds me of a business conference I attended recently. Nothing religious about it. At the group luncheon, we had a brief speech from the president of the company. After giving his little motivational talk for 15 minutes, he ended with, "Now let us all bow our heads in prayer. In Jesus' name, we pray...." Another perfect example of the clueless assumption that we're all Christians unless we prove otherwise.

Oh...brother

An argument for nature over nurture, also known as, He Gets That From My Husband. Overheard yesterday, while the boys were playing: " [Caboose], I am going to choose what game we play and you're just going to have to deal."

Overheard this morning while driving to preschool:

Caboose: Ambooyans! Ambooyans! (translation: ambulance!)

Booper: Aliens? Where do you see Aliens? Are Aliens nice, Mommy?