Diversidad

While reading some of my favorite Mommy Blogs, I notice that a lot of families out there are bumping up against racial intolerance, ignorance, and idiocy, especially when it comes to their Hapa children. I have experienced this also, but only when we travel outside our blissful liberal bubble. In our day-to-day lives, we remain largely untouched by this pervasive problem. In fact, one of the great pleasures of living in the city by the Bay is that we don't have to deal with this AT ALL. My hetero-normative nuclear family is downright Republican by SF standards, and we raise nary an eyebrow. If people notice anything it's that I am taller than my husband. If you really want to shake people up, trying messing with the "rules" that the man has to be taller and older. (One year, I wanted to go to a Halloween party dressed as Angelina Jolie and Maddox, but the Handyman wasn't into it. Killjoy.)


To back up my stance, I did an informal poll this morning at preschool. In Booper's class, of 22 kids--many of whom are there only parttime--there are 8 biracial (mostly Hapa) kids and 4 kids of color. There may be more mixed-race kids that are not immediately obvious to me. In the Caboose's class of 12, he has 4 Hapa kids, a special needs boy, and 3 children of color. Caboose's teachers are Persian, Ukrainian, Korean, and Mexican, some immigrants, some children of immigrants, some adopted from their homeland. Booper's teachers are Brazilian and White. BTW, this is the only white teacher at the school. The school boasts a map of the world on one wall, with photos affixed to the home countries of all the teachers and staff, including the above plus Peru and Guatemala.

I love this about San Francisco. What I also love about the City by the Bay is the other types of diversity. One example involves this guy:




This is Woody. He works the counter at Orphan Andy's in the Castro. He makes the city's best chocolate milkshake. And one of the boys' favorite things to do is ride the vintage F Line (see above, an example of a vintage train from Milan, Italy) to his little cafe and order one of these delicious cups of creamy goodness. Woody is what you might call "a colorful character." He always wears a kilt. He frequently wears a studded black leather belt that says "Nudist." (It tickles me no end that he wears an article of clothing that reads "nudist." That's like carrying a gun that reads "pacifist.") And he usually has a T-shirt on that makes me glad my kids can't read. This past Saturday, his shirt read, "Girlie Man." He also is incredibly friendly and loves kids. He takes the time to answer all of Booper's questions about "Why do you have an earring in your nose?" "Did it hurt when they put it in?" "Why are you wearing a skirt?" and "How do you make this milkshake taste so good?" We look forward to visiting Woody and he is part of the fabric of life here.


But this last can prove thorny when dealing with preschoolers, who like things to be concrete. There is a boy in Booper's class who has two Mommies. Because all the kids quickly become attuned to who is whose Mommy/Daddy, this family set-up did not go unnoticed. In connection with that, there has been a lot of talk at school lately about marriage. One of the girls in Booper's class says she is going to "marry him." She says Booper is her "prince." (So I think we know where she is getting this from, thank you Walt Disney.) Booper asks a lot of questions--about everything--and has asked me many times if he can marry me. I tell him, "You can't marry me because I am your Mommy. Plus, I'm already married to Daddy." He will answer, "Will you and Daddy help me find a [FingKASIL] to marry?" "Don't worry, you will find someone wonderful to marry when you are grown up, and if you would like our help we will be happy to help you." He asks if, when he is married, he can still live with us. He also asks if he can marry The Caboose, figuring this would keep things simple since then they could just keep living in our house and we would all stay together. But I told him that brothers can't get married, either.


So putting all this together, the other night Booper asked, "Mommy, can two boys get married?"


Deep breath, and here we go. "Yes, but it depends where they live. In some places, it's okay for two boys to get married, and in some places it isn't."


"Can two boys get married in Africa?"


"No, they can't."

Why?"

"I don't know. But in Africa, it's against the rules. In some places, like Hawaii, two men can get married if they want to."

"I love Hawaii."

"Me, too."

So while we may have had that go-round wrapped up in a tight little bow, I know there is more to come. I feel like I want to be honest with the boys about the world. I want them to be open to people and not judge the way others live their lives, especially not based on the way they look. This is a complicated world, and I want to help them navigate the complexities and appreciate the textures. But when is the right time to start, without confusing them?

Great Moments in Parenting

Booper bounced back incredibly today, after spiking a 105 degree fever yesterday and subsequently being diagnosed with pneumonia. (Don't get me started.) Through the miracle of modern anti-biotics, he was feeling back to his old self today, albeit a little fatigued from fighting this nasty bug. So we decided to go out for dinner to our favorite sushi place, Blue Fin Sushi on Clement St. http://bluefinsushisf.com/

For reasons that remain a mystery to me, The Boop kept talking REALLY LOUDLY throughout the meal. I kept having to remind him to use his "inside voice" and take it down a decibel or three. Granted, it was kind of noisy in there in the first place, but his voice really travels. Mostly, I think he was just excited to be out of the house after being cooped up indoors since Wednesday, unable to raise the energy to even play Chutes & Ladders.

After dinner, Boop needed to go to the potty. (One of the unfortunate side-effects of the antibiotics is frequent poops), so I escorted him to the John and back, with the Caboose in tow. (He wouldn't want to miss anything important.) Once we returned to the table, Booper announced, "Daddy. I just went to the potty. AND I HAD A BIG DIARRHEA."

Hey buddy, I don't think they heard you on the East Coast.

Super.

Needless to say, we paid our bill and slithered out the door.

Day of Atonement--Please G-d, if I say sorry will you let the Yankees win the World Series?

It's that time of year again: Yom Kippur. The Day of Atonement. While this holiday is kind of confusing for kids (who rarely do much worth atoning for) it is kind of cool for adults. The deal, historically, is that everyone in the village gets together and publicly apologizes for all their transgressions during the previous year. As a group, we read aloud a list of "sins," apologizing for everything, whether we did it or not. In this way, we provide for each other a veil of secrecy because only we know which mistake actually applies personally to us. (i.e. "I apologized out loud for cheating on my taxes, which I didn't do, but I also got to apologize outloud for coveting my neighbors buttery suede purse, which I did."

In the olden days, the service was followed by a tradition of personally approaching each individual we had wronged, confessing our error, and offering a sincere apology. If done during the Yom Kippur holiday, the wronged person was obligated to accept the apology regardless.

Of course, like any human being, I am secretly hoping to get something in return for all this soul-baring torment. And this year, I am hoping G-d will see fit to let my Yankees win the World Series. They are making a run at their division right now, and I'm getting October baseball fever. To that end, I am paying tribute to the Chosen people who are currently active in the Major Leagues. Don't worry...it's a short list. While it would surprise no one to know that Jews have always had a prominent role in the management of sports, it may shock you to know that we also represent on the field.

Shawn Green: Currently on that great Jewish team, the NY Mets, Shawn started his career on the Dodgers (historically also strong for the Jews. Can you say Sandy Koufax?) According to a friend, he started a near riot in the synagogue circles of LA as they all competed actively for his membership when he first moved to town. Plus, he's hot! He posted 3 100-RBI seasons in the past, though this year he is struggling with injuries and not doing as well. Shandah, really.

Gabe Kapler & Kevin Youkilis: Two players for the Red Sox (puh puh puh.) Kapler has been around a while and is a solid player, but he spent the past year in a management role. He intends to return to active play next year. The life of a professional baseball player can be quite stressful. There's all the travel, the pressure to perform in a spotlight, your life constantly under a microscope, the invitations to Bar Mitzvahs. Youkilis is a rookie phenom at this time, so I am going to overlook the fact that he plays for Satan's team: The Bosox. He was involved in a mini-scandal in last week's game. The Yankee pitcher hit the firstbaseman with a pitch, and it was clear that this was unintentional. (He was in mid-swing when the ball hit his wrist.) The next time the Yankee firstbaseman came up to bat, the Red Sox pitcher promptly retaliated by throwing the ball right at him. Evil. But de rigeur for the majors. If he hadn't done it, his team would never let him forget it.

There are a few more players, none of them prominent enough to mention. sigh.

Whether baseball loyalty is more often passed on via matrilineal (like traditional Jewish identity) or patrilineal (the Reform movement theory) descent is a question for more extensive research. Nevertheless, my father's loyalty was to the Brooklyn Dodgers. When they moved west, he was forced to choose another team. Reluctantly, he went with the Yankees, and my love of Yankee baseball was born.

The Yankees haven't had many Jewish players (one exception was Ron "Boomer" Blomberg, who is remembered most for his having the distinction of being the first designated hitter in baseball history), but that has been more than made up for in my own mind by the Yankees' wise decision to bring a certified-kosher hot-dog stand to the stadium, something only a few other teams have done. Also, New York has probably had more Jewish mayors than any other city (Mayor Bloomberg keeps a box next to the dugout, which he recently loaned to Spike Lee, Brad Pitt, and their offspring for thenight.) Plus, I'll bet my Loehmann's membership points that their accountant is an MOT.

So during this most important of Jewish holidays--the holiest of the holy--please join me in atoning sincerely for any transgressions during the year. (Trust me, it feels good.) And while you are in touch with your own personal diety, would you mind asking her/him/it/them to give the Yankees a little extra push this year? If sports personality post-game interviews are any indication, it seems She/He/It/They is the one who deserves the credit anyway. But that's another post....

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3

Question of the Day

I linked over to KimChi Mamas today for OpenThread Thursday. Here is the question: "Would you send your child to a different-faith school? Would you be okay with your kid learning about a religion very different from your own? I went to an Anglican school, and while my religion, Roman Catholicism, belongs in the same category (i.e. both Christian), there were plenty of non-Christian students there too. But my Jewish boyfriend found it interesting/shocking that parents would do that. What would you do?"

Here is my initial comment in response: "I confess openly to a double-standard on this one. I would not send my children to a non-Jewish parochial school, but I have no problem with non-Jewish kids attending the local Hillel house. As complicated and anxiety-provoking as the elementary school situation is in our city, I could not get down with a parochial school if it's not a Jewish school. I am just too uncomfortable with the idea that they might come home and want to talk about the Big JC, and what "he would do."

Now that I am considering it more deeply, I think I am much more at home debunking orthodox Judaism than I am with criticizing any other religion. So if the grunion came home spouting off on why we don't keep kosher, I would feel very comfortable explaining the inherent contradictions and obsolete beliefs on which that ritual is based. But if they came home telling me about the Resurrection, I would feel less qualified, though more motivated, to give them my two cents.
I can offer no rational explanation of this stance. It fits right alongside the fact that I have been a devout vegetarian for 21 years, but I LOVE a pair of buttery suede shoes. (Or purse. I'm good with a suede purse, too.)"

Then another poster added this comment: "FingKASIL, what if this parochial school isn't really a parochial school? Many prep schools are historically Christian, and still require chapel attendance. Yet, they are not marketed as "parochial."

Also, would you allow your child(ren) to take a course on world religions that may require them to attend services of a variety of faiths?"

And that's when I started getting pissed off. Cynthia: I believe that any school that requires chapel attendance, is, by definition, a parochial school. To make a determination about whether to enroll my children, I would have to attend a service. If the service was based in Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc., I feel it might be confusing for my children and discordant with the spiritual guidance they receive at home.

As for "allowing" them to take a World Religion class, even one requiring attendance at faith-based services, that is an easy one: Short of "Bombmaking 101" and "How to Hack Into Online Porn: A Seminar," I would support them in enrolling in any class about which they have a genuine interest. Should they elect to pursue one of these faiths because it rang true for them, they would have my total support. But that is a choice that *they* make, not one I make for them.

To me, this whole thing smacks of the kind of obliviousness that you typically see among dominant cultural groups, in this case Christians, but White Entitlement is the same animal. When you are comforably ensconced in the dominant cultural group, you accept your worldview as the "correct" world view or, worse, the only worldview. As if being Christian is the natural human state. And you arrogantly believe that everyone else should fall in line with these beliefs because that is "how we've always been." So when one says that a school , founded on Christian religious tenets, that requires chapel attendance, is not a parochial school, I am flummoxed. What if I opened a school and called it Joe's Secular Elementary School? I "marketed" it as an independent private school, but required all the students to attend synagogue daily, would this not be a parochial school? Does the same standard not apply when we're talking about a Christian School?

This reminds me of a business conference I attended recently. Nothing religious about it. At the group luncheon, we had a brief speech from the president of the company. After giving his little motivational talk for 15 minutes, he ended with, "Now let us all bow our heads in prayer. In Jesus' name, we pray...." Another perfect example of the clueless assumption that we're all Christians unless we prove otherwise.

Oh...brother

An argument for nature over nurture, also known as, He Gets That From My Husband. Overheard yesterday, while the boys were playing: " [Caboose], I am going to choose what game we play and you're just going to have to deal."

Overheard this morning while driving to preschool:

Caboose: Ambooyans! Ambooyans! (translation: ambulance!)

Booper: Aliens? Where do you see Aliens? Are Aliens nice, Mommy?

People Are Stupid

I'm grumpy today, I know. But that doesn't change the fact that people are stupid. Once again today I read a story in the paper about someone who left their child alone in the car, in some parking lot, while s/he went in a store for over 30 minutes. Fortunately, this time someone saw the child screaming and sweating in the car seat and called police to release her. The nanny was arrested for child endangerment.

What is wrong with people?

Every summer it seems like there is this spate of cases where the parents or caregivers "forget" that their kids are in the backseat of the car, then leave them there for hours, only to return and find them dead. And every time I hear one of these stories, I try to imagine a scenario in which I might become so overwhelmed by the day's tasks that I would also make this mistake. But I can't. I can't. I can't wrap my mind around it. Can you? I have two kids, work fulltime at a family-owned business, run a household, all that stuff. But I still can't imagine forgetting my kids are in the car and leaving them there, windows up, doors locked. What's more, I can't imagine not giving them another thought for the next 6 to 8 hours while they suffocate. That's the part that really baffles me. Have you ever gone that long without thinking of your children, and what they are doing at the moment? Do you not have a photo of them somewhere on your desk that would stimulate you to remember them?

My son has a friend. His mother is a wonderful person and lots of fun. Worries incessantly that her children should go to the right schools, etc. I know she cares about them deeply. But sometimes when she comes over, she'll come in the front door with her older son and I'll ask, "where's The Baby?" To which she replies, "He's sleeping in the car. I think it's safe, don't you?" No. No I don't think it's safe. I don't think it's safe to leave your baby sleeping in a car that is parked on a city street. I have even gone so far as to move my car out of the garage and move her car into the garage so at least The Baby sleeps inside the locked garage with all the windows down and not on some dangerous urban thoroughfare. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. My street is not a thoroughfare. But I do live in a city.)

Am I the crazy one here? Do other Moms leave their kids alone in the car? Why do people keep doing this?

The Halmuni Review

As advertised, Harabuji and Yoko came to visit last week. Sweet people, both of them, and we had a very enjoyable time. To be frank, I love anyone who loves my kids. And those two really dote on them and shower them with affection and complements, so what's not to love? Yoko has her heart in the right place, tries very hard to be helpful (even if this means cramming my fridge with unidentifiable food stuffs), and takes great care of Harabuji, which is a mitzvah, as my people would say.

So what up with the Halmuni?

Well...it went down a little something like this. Right from the get go, we stuck with calling her Yoko. This was fine until the day that H & Yoko took the kids to the zoo. I learned, via Booper, that on the outing they were encouraged to call her Halmuni. To complicate matters, later that evening we were talking about ways in which our sons are similar to the Huz, a.k.a. The Handyman, at the same age. For fun, Handy decided he would bring up a digital photo of himself and his family from back in the day. So there is Harabuji, Handy, HalfMama, Komo, and Halmuni (the real Halmuni) in living color. Booper asks who is who in the picture, and Handy runs it down. Once he says, "and this is Halmuni," there was utter silence. Crickets, people.

Long. Awkward. Silence.

But that's as close as we came to bringing up the subject. Healthy, huh? We just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Which it seemed to do. For now.

On another topic, I don't know how many of you out there follow baseball, but I do, avidly. And while I will save all my baseball opinions for another time, and warn you in advance so you can avoid that post, I just have to take the opportunity to say publicly that I feel Barry Bonds is a complete and utter tool. I cannot scrape together one iota of enthusiasm for his new "record" and I'm just counting the days until A-Rod or someone else can break it and rid us of this plague. It's no mistake that the Booper's middle name is Aaron.